choke_onlies

choke_onlies @ 2009-08-22T02:21:00

2009-08-22T06:22:58Z

read my tumblr plzz

http://snorlaxbalog.tumblr.com/

I write in there a lot more than in here for some odd reason.

choke_onlies @ 2009-07-24T02:01:00

2009-07-24T06:04:20Z

I think it's time I start stepping up to people. I really need to improve on my ability to tell people to "fuck off" while they're still pissing me off.

And like John, I wish I had better stuff to write on this shit hole.

choke_onlies @ 2009-06-14T02:24:00

2009-06-14T06:35:20Z

So want an update?

Of course you don't...but here you go anyway.

I'm working two jobs (Leslie's Pool Supplies and Zumiez). Both are retarded and a pain in my ass but money is money and hopefully I can get some saving done this summer. This past week, I worked about 40 hours and that was just at Leslie's. There is an extra 5-6 hours for Zumiez in there. I've been exhausted. All I do is sleep and go to the gym. I hang with Patti and play guitar. I don't even have the motivation to play video games or write...which I need to do more. I haveso many ideas, but I wind up hating them afterwards. UGHHHH

The screenplay with John though is slowly developing into something amazing. I am growing more and more in love with it as we progress. I know people will love it. Hopefully the right people do too haha :-\

I want to start a band sooooooo badly. I want to play guitar. I don't even care. I just want to write my own music. It has come to the point where I don't even care what kind of music it is. People just suck and everything is impossible to work out. Johnny and I were writing some cool stuff but we are just too busy. Hopefully something works out.

I have barely gotten to the beach in this past month. fucking rain.

I need to get drunk and just relax.

strangest summer ever so far.

no care ever.

choke_onlies @ 2009-05-28T23:53:00

2009-05-29T04:13:55Z

The Eel and The Sword

I am nothing
I am everything
I am the absence of light at the bottom of the ocean
I am all of the dreams that never took flight

On the floor of the abyss I stand
Awaiting for new layers
New levels of volcanic life
Adding and adding to the Earth
Blankets of sand cover my feet
As my steps are frozen in time
Bubbles and bubbles of air
Columns of rising spheres
Tickling my spine
This new place is dark
What surprises await for me
In the chasms of coral castles

I am the slithering eel
I am the predator seeking that next meal
I am the falling star
I am the airplane plummeting to the ground

In the wells of our memories
Familiarity is nothing more than a safety net
New continents await
They slumber on the bursting horizons
Waiting for ink and daggers
To trace the lines and veins of maps
I stand alone in vast new territories
On the tops of planets as they are born
I do not know where I am
I am everywhere
I am nowhere
I am the silence before the explosion
This is now

I am the sword
Dragging behind the curious soldier
In awe of the aura of future greatness
In fear of the beasts that do not sleep
Entranced, Awake, Curious
I am the pioneers on the edge of everything
Death is only a necessary step when one is chosen
I am no longer afraid
Only curious
Searching for what may be next
What will be next
An eel of mysterious desperation
A sword of blatant strength
I will forge on
Doom will always be imminent
I will forge on
Fear is futile
Hope is barren
Survival is only required
At the depths of the oceans and the blackest regions of space
One can only wonder
One can only wonder.

choke_onlies @ 2009-05-28T01:48:00

2009-05-28T06:07:20Z

The house will never be complete
As long as you are not laying on the steps
Awaiting my arrival
Waiting for the warmth of my hand
The love and affection of mom
The playful arms of my brother
And the watchful eyes of dad

You were the tiny pebble that will now be lost
To the depths of the oceans
To never ending skies
Painted in all spectrums of energy
You are that energy
The energy that filled this house with love
How can I ever reach you from here now?
How will I wrestle with you
Or chase you around the house?
Who will wait for me when I am not home?
Who will sleep between my legs in the early hours of morning?
Who will bark to get my attention?

How can I ever retrieve the love that is leaving?
How will this void be filled?
We will carry you home and place you in a different void.
Where the songs of the wind will play
Through the leaves of Japanese maples
They will sing you to sleep
I will carry you home
And I cannot fathom letting go
The arms of soil do not hold the heat and love that mine do
They are cold
I do not want you there
I want you here with me
I want to hold on and never let go
I will carry you home
I am selfish
You must rest
You must rest
You need to sleep

I will never forget
I will never forget

You are home in my heart
You are home with me
Always
I will always keep you warm
You will always keep me warm
You will always be on those steps
You will always be sleeping soundly
Between my legs in the dead of winter
You are home with me
You are home with me

I just wish my dog was ok. idk what to say. im burying this poem with her tomorrow.

The Autobiography of an American

2009-05-21T06:29:14Z

The Autobiography of an American

I was immaculately conceived in the year 1975. Before long, my parents realized I was an exceedingly bright child. At the age of 2 I was enrolled in the 8th grade to help young teenagers with Algebra. Before long, I had taught the entire 8th grade at my school everything there is to know about Algebra and Geometry. Every night before going to bed I read 5 books and did 1000 practice problems to strengthen my skills in arithematic. I was fluent in over 6 languages and I could read and interperet old English literature perfectly.

By the time I was 3 and a half I had just been potty trained and awarded the grand scholarship at Oxford Univesity. My mother was apprehensive about allowing me to fly and live over seas, so she became my room mate. Although I did not make many friends on campus, I excelled in my studies. By the age of 6 I had surpassed all of the learning standards for every Calculus and Physics class available.

Actually while I was in a Chemistry lab class one day, I stumbled upon the cure to A.I.D.S. It just happened to be at the bottom of my test tube. After that, it was apparent to myself and my family that I no longer needed school. As I submitted my forms for dropping out of school, Harvard granted me a doctorate in any major of my choosing. I chose English, Math, and Chemistry. I am the only human being to have 3 actual doctorates by the age of 10.

After this, I took some time to relax and enjoy the money I had gained from my medical break-throughs and my book club for the 15 part novel series on the mysteries lying within black holes. Not only did I win multiple prizes for these, but several shuttles and telescopes were named in my honor.

I realized that I was the smartest human being alive in my age bracket, now 13; it was now time to make myself well rounded. It was time to form my physical body. After hiring a special team of Marines and Navy seals, I was bench pressing over 300 pounds by 15 and a half and squatting nearly 600 pounds. I only weighed 150 pounds and I lived on a diet of boiled chicken and brocoli. I enterred the Mr. Universe contest by 17 and I won it, seven years in a row.

By this time I had become the strongest and most intelligent man on the planet. All of my friends were in their 30's and we spendt our days playing rugby and sky diving. We would spear fish on the weekends.  In one incident in Hawaii, my friend began to get mauled by a 15 foot tiger shark. I saw this and tried to help as fast as I could. I grabbed the shark's nose and tail and split him in half, I was too late to help my friend but not too late to get awarded the Key of the City. I had had tens of thousands of sexual relationships and my body had now miraculously become immune to sexually transmitted diseases. I winked at girls at parites and they immediately began beckoning me to the ladies' rooms. I had become more popular than God and was slowly surpassing air. I needed a break from the excitement.

I moved to the Himalayas where I built myself a log cabin at the peak of Mount Everest. I lived there and lived on grizzly bears. I hunted them every morning and wrestled them until I had broken their necks. This usually took me 5 minutes. I insolated my house with bear fur and fat and after eating, I would sleep for about 10 hours. Whenever I would become bored on the mountain I would meditate and then climb up and down the scales of Everest whil timing myself. My best records was 10 trips (up and down the mountain side) in about 2 hours. After sleeping for about a week after that, I decided it was time to move back to America.

When I moved back home, I was now 35. I had achieved everything I wanted in life, so now it was time to start a family. I moved to Utah and became a member of the Church of Latter Day Saints. I became head of the church by the age of 36, which was right after I married my 15th wife.  I was the father of about 300 children with my 20 wives. Every night we would all sit together in my stadium sized living room while I read them all bed time stories. There were multiple investigations on my family done by the FBI due to my world fame but unsurprisngly I made the agents assigned to my case disappear.

At the age of 37, my religion and life choices began to cause me become disliked in the eyes of the media. My money was slowly running out due to the massive bills I had to pay for my family. I began to smoke cigarettes while paying the bills every night.  And I would pray every night before going to sleep. I knew God was listening and that he would help me get through this rough patch in my life.  On my 38th birthday I died from lung cancer.

choke_onlies @ 2009-05-15T03:22:00

2009-05-15T07:48:49Z

Asleep in a Blanket of Stars

I found you
In your cocoon
Of twisted metal and blankets
A year's worth of life

I found you
Breathing heavily
Trapped under the stars
Miles of silence

I found you
Bathing in a haze
Of steaming anti-freeze
And dripping gasoline

I found you
Almost dead
Asleep in a world of dreams
Where demons cannot reach
Where you were safe
But not safe enough
If God was real,
He would have been on those firetrucks
He would have been in the ambulances
And He would have carried the jaws of life
He would have gone to the graduation
The graduation you would not see

I found you
In the unforgiving arms of a tree
And I will never know if I did enough
What could have I done
What do I do now?
You are etched into the walls of my skull
I will forever see those legs buried under the sea of metal and cloth
I will hear your breathing
The battle of your lungs will be ever present in the constant humming of my ears
And I will remember the technicolor of siren lights painting your bruised canvas
The fire trucks and the backboard
The ambulance and the police cars
The rustle and bustle of rescue
Only to fail hours later
I stood and watched as a life was strained to be saved
As a boy was rescued
Only in vain
Why did I find him?
What were the chances?
A boy from my school,
In my town
Dying on the dark summer road

I found him
In a bed of broken glass
Wrapped in a blanket of stars and branches
I found him dying
They found him dying
They saved him from the crushing pounds of sleep and dreams
The next morning
The nurses found him dead
I was too late.
We were too late.

This is for Dan Buckowitz. I didn't even know this kid but I found him in his crashed car the other night, I called the cops and watched as police, firemen, and paramedics rescued him and apparently he died the next morning. He must have fallen asleep behind the wheel and slammed into a tree; his luggage in his car hit him in the back of the head when he hit the tree causing him to receive spinal failure. I was one of the people to find him. We had so much in common and I found him in Howell. He went to my college and he was supposed to graduate tomorrow. I am so bothered by this incident. I'll never forget finding the accident and hearing him struggling to breath inside the car. I'm sorry Dan.

choke_onlies @ 2009-03-28T10:05:00

2009-03-28T14:26:36Z

Blue ribbons and raddles stained in blood
The crib of predestination now useless
The tiny hands now vanishing
And forming skin only to be purged
Organs and cells malfunctioning
Exponentially
The dreams of happiness now soiled
By the ways of nature
An end of expectancy and joy
Begin misery
Wallow in it
Tears of pain paint lines of frustration
Shades drawn and blankets watinging
Begin hibernation
Hide from it
The blood and the bathroom
The crying and the screaming
The agony and the horror
What did you do?
An end of an era
The blood and the bathroom
The loss of that precious pearl
A room in a house now full of lost hope
The purging of happiness from a body
The purging of a future
What is one to do?

choke_onlies @ 2009-03-18T02:35:00

2009-03-18T07:08:13Z

In Mathematical Summation of Myself

I am the addition of troubles
The subtraction of happiness
The multiplication of complications
The division of emotions
The fraction of chaste,
With no common denominator
And the square root of all of your misery
Prepare for a repeated decimal answer
Prepare for frustration
Prepare for disappointment

...

2009-03-09T05:22:48Z

"I am almost certain that there is no 'God'. But if there is, then I am nothing like him."

Delicious.

For lent....

2009-02-26T06:58:23Z

Well for lent I gave up....whoops....NO LENT FOR ME...yay!!!<333

I LOVE EATING MEAT EVERY FRIDAYS!!!

p.s.
If he died for your sins, where the fuck is he now?!

wake up call

2009-01-31T17:56:43Z

I am done bowing.
I am my own emperor.
You are nothing.
I will no longer be your faithful moon.
Orbitting around you like a slave.
I am my own planet.
I am my own star.
Shining through time and space.
You are nothing.
I am everything.

yo

2009-01-18T07:42:14Z

So being the poser I really am...I made a word press just like Connor and John. Go read.

www.morganicradiation.wordpress.com

DESTROY EVERYTHING!!!

2009-01-15T17:17:43Z

I ORDERED A GUITAR ABOUT 2 MONTHS AGO...IT IS STILL NOT FUCKING HERE. I ORDERED SOME SHIRTS ON SATURDAY...AND THEY'RENOT HERE EITHER. YOU MAY BE LIKE, "WELL IT TAKES A WHILE TO GET ORDERS!!!"....HERE IS MY REPLY

FUCK YOU!!! I HOPE YOU GET THE FUCKING BUBONIC PLAGUE AND DIE.

The shirts are from a company in NY...so they should have been here. The best thing is....I'm going back to school this monday and I know I'm gonna get the shirts TUESDAY and my guitar the same day so I won't be able to get anything for 2 weeks. FUCK THE WORLD AND FUCK THE AMERICAN SHIPPING PROCESS.

If a nuclear explosion went off with now on my street...I'd be content instead of sitting around in my house waiting for shit to come that is slowly driving me more and more insane.

update!!!

2009-01-12T04:42:22Z

*this is all outta order and shit!

-Worked
-Worked
-Got a sweet ass Marshall Half Stack
-Guitar should be here any day now (jam with me!!!)
-Been listening to tons of random shit
-EAGLES BEAT THE PIECE OF SHIT GIANTS
-Spent some quality time with PATRICK!!!<33333333333
-Got drunk as fuck
-Had a bad hangover
-Got trapped in a crawl space and almost shit my pants
-Ordered some sweet as merch!!!
-Laughed as the Gaza strip blew up
-Ate too much food
-Worked

My New Years Resolution

2009-01-05T01:37:35Z

So since everyone in the world makes ridiculous New Years resolutions (lose weight, get laid, smoke crack, find Jesus, have an orgy, etc.), I have decided I shall make one.

As the last two years have progressed, I have become less and less of a fan of society and the people who make it so "GREAT". I mean just look at it. Religion has brainwashed mindless people into believing that evoltuion was not real. I'm cool if you are religious and have beliefs...BUT THEY SHOULD COORESPOND AND WORK WITH WHAT IS KNOWN ABOUT THE WORLD TODAY!!! Not believing in evolution is the equivalent of me worshipping my lap top for allowing me to stream tons and tons of free pornography. It just is mindless. Then there is politics and the poor decision making skills of governments. I'm betting on a nuclear holocaust happening within my life time...it's sad that I think this way but come on...WAKE UP!!! And then there are just people in general. THe people of this country are too busy with themselves to wake up realize that they're digging their own graves. So what the hell...keep eating and keep fucking (without protection)...It's population control!!! A.I.D.S. and obesity is keeping America in check just like we keep the deer population under control. Peopl are too concerned with who won American Idol and who is playing the Superbowl and what color Brittany Spears dyed her pubic hair. You know what? I just don't care anymore...Call me apathetic, but I'm really not. I'm just enjoying the view. The more mindless people there are...the bigger the fire will be. I will just laugh.

So now I should tel lyou what my new years resolution will be. And I think...this is a good one. I want to become well versed in the great writers and philosophers of the world, and become fluent in the current happenings of the world. I want to do these things so that I can argue my views with people and so they don't think I'm just being some ignorant and immature teenager. I want people to see that I know what the fuck is happening in the world and how other people saw it and wrote about it. I want people to say, "Wow, he makes some good points...maybe I'm wrong and He's right." And just maybe, I could wake some people up and prepare them for the coming storm, because believe me...it's only going to get worse.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

update.

2008-12-30T21:06:00Z

So I have been working my ass off lately. Just non-stop Zumiez. It's becoming a bit obnoxious...but at least I have a job that I dont hate and I'm gonna make some sweet money by the end of break...hopefully :-\

So my christmas was sweet and I got a lot of awesome shit. My guitar should be coming soon and I'm soo fucking excited about it. I'm also picking up my half stack sometime next week. I went to Dan's house to play it and it was so fucking amazing. It was better than I thought it'd be and it's really gonna help me want to play guitar more and improve my skill. And once shit is all settled...I'm gonna start jamming with Johnny and Ian and we're just gonna have fun and write shit. We'll write songs and just have fun.

SO now that I have money and I'm worrking...I wanna get my tattoos soon...BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT!!! fuck my life.

Things with Patti are good. Grades are good (two A's and one B) and now I'm just waiting on my last one.

New years eve party tomorrow...gonna be shweet.

Well now I'm off to work. :(

Connor and I wrote a rap song!

2008-12-17T00:09:57Z

It's called Deicide and the first verse is him and we alternate

Deicide

I am everything you detest and you love it
You're below me because you're told to be above it
You blow me because you're supposed to be above it
I am living breathing scum, and yet you succumb
It's the only feeling better than numb
Now shut the fuck up and swallow...
Your pride, you're worthless. Now shut the fuck up and swallow
I am every thing you hate, and isnt it great?
And aint it grand, its all going as planned
I am the embodiment of sin
A firing pin with with a fifth of gin
Watching the world burn with a smug grin
Everything wrong with the word, you can blame on me
The declining morality, the tragedy on tv
Radicals crashing plains and Priests running trains
Drugs being cool, and shooting your school
Child abuse, a threatening noose, starvation, genocide, diseases spread
Because I killed God and mounted his head
How do I sleep at night? In a comfortable bed

I am mortal sin
And the creator of original sin
So call me up
And I'll dump your babies in the recycling bin
I am your God in disguise
I wear his skin
I am behind his eyes
Thats right! He really is this thin.
Get on your knees and pray to me
I will grant your every dream and fantasy
I'm just kidding
I'm not God, I'm not that cool
But here I am drinking whiskey floating in my oil pool
Pulling strings
Murdering things
But see what tomorrow brings
I can bring armageddon
And we can watch nukes drop and sing
And I can knock up your daughter
And fix you a nice cold glass of water
So please don't hate me
Because I love you
And you need me.

Hey! Hey! Come this way! You can trust me, I'm a shepherd
And I'd never do a thing to harm the herd
Don't worry where we're going just follow blindly
I said stop fucking questioning, I don't take that kindly
So shh my little lamb, have a drink of water
Its gonna take a couple of days for me to lead you to the slaughter
Now be a good little goat, and follow these commandments I wrote
Now we're smitten, but you're about to be smote
Ask one more question and I'll slit your fucking throat

I deceive as you pray and breathe
Have a gander at whats up my sleeve
I poisoned the wine and pissed on the bread
You can't even grasp what's in my head
The world on fire and burning
That's right I'm yearning
Yearning for some blood and bile on the altar
Watch as your beliefs falter
Just like churches that crack and fall
Priests and nuns screaming in the hall
Altar boys snorting that cocaine ball
Please God don't let them fall!
I might have better luck praying to the bathroom wall
Or taking a shit in the stall

Hopes crashing like thunder and hail
True believers uttering "Don't let us fail,
With all of these terrors he's just testing us
We can stop the horrors through faith and trust"
But this naivety is growing rust
The cattle fall into unrest
With an absent God they clamor for a new religion
Science? You're turning to science?
What happened to divine guidance?
You will regret this one day, when you're old and gray
You'll return to my word, asking to be saved
Not because you really believe, you just cant cope with your grave

Allah Allah Allah
Eh Eh Eh
Strap a bomb to your chest
And fucking pray for the best
The sunrise brings death
But hey! That's God's best
How could we be so blind
This is the plague eating at mankind
Worship the air
Worship a chair
Worship me
But don't worship a god that isn't there
Bow to me for freeing your faith
I will teach you how to hate
How to illuminate that god is fake
And how to make the people break
How to make relion shake
And make the ground quake
I will teach you how to be that snake
How much can god's children take?

choke_onlies @ 2008-12-15T19:59:00

2008-12-16T02:16:19Z

Over the past couple of weekes I have been thinking of starting to write a serious piece of literature. But something different. I have a lot of anger inside of me and I was thinking of a way for me to vent was to write a book about everything that bothers me in this world. Now I know this may sound reatarded...like: "Jesus Fucking Christ...here Morgan goes again with his fucking complaining and ranting" but I think I can pull this off as being interesting and semi relate-able. So I'm gonna try one out write now. I'm gonna write about a topic that everyone hates and I'm sure there are no excuses.

Traffic Jams

What the fuck is the deal with traffic? There is no logical reasons for it. Now I understand that people get into car accidents and this could clog up the roads like a backed up toilet pipe full of shit...but there are no other reasons for traffic. Now I recently discovered the source for most traffic jams. I drive up the parkway all of the time and find myself stuck for miles in a non-moving zombie parade of bullshit. Cars moving at 2 miles an hour and people yellinga and horns honking. As I'm sitting in these lines of automobile masturbation I wonder "WHY THE FUCK AREN'T WE MOVING?!?!" And it's at these times where I find myself hoping and praying to get to the end of it and seeing a 40 car pile-up / collision with bodies riddled all over the streets and just a river of blood pouring down the street. But we all know that this is never the case. The cause is something much more idiotic than that...it's a reflection of the human condition and our inability to coexist with eachother. It's a portrait and display of the friction that lies between every human on the planet. Here it is...most traffic jams are caused by people's lack of merging skills. I have seen miles andmiles of backed up and constipated roadways that were merely cause by two lanes merging to one. HOW FUCKING PATHETIC IS THAT!?!?!?! It should be so fucking simple. But noooooooo!!!! People are selfish and idiotic and unable to do it in an orderly fashion. It's fucking sad and disgusting. It should be simple...every car should allow a car from the next lane to just go in front of them and then they follow...OH MY SWEET FUCKING JESUS!!!! THAT SOUNDS HARD!!! FUCK THAT!!! I'M GONNA BE LATE TO MY NAIL APPOINTMENT...FUCK YOU CUNT...I HOPE YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY GETS MOWED DOWN BY A FUCK TRACTOR TRAILOR. And of course the fucking bitch is sitting in her massive tank of an SUV babblin on the phone to her next door neighbor discussing who blew who on Desperate Housewives last night. And because of this non-sensical moron, she breaks the formation and cuts in fron of every and then all of the idiotic sheep think it's a free dance all of the organization is lost in the blink of an eye. I will be sitting in traffic and I will know that the beginning of this mess is caused by some idiotic selfish slob and their impatience to obide by the rules and organization of the road. Now I sound like an anal teacher barking at her students for not walking in single file but it is true. We are supposed to be taught these things as children but because of the American dominance complex and everyone thinking they are the kings and queens of the road...we somehow create miles and miles of backed up shit and chaos. It is repulsive. I find myself thinking horrible things just to justify how sick this makes me feel. I will be sitting in my car listening to my music and I will be at the dick end of this river of cars and I will pray to see a mushroom cloud just rise aout the horizon and wipe out the entire roadway. I don't even care that I would die with it...the fact that the entire jam would be annihilated and the disgusting display of humanity's driving retardation would be nothing but dust. I think that would be a great day. People should be given an I.Q. test with their driving test and if you do not make a certain score...FUCK YOU!!! YOU'RE NEVER ALLOWED TO DRIVE. I wanna carry a gun in my car for the next time I see some idiot talking on their phone about unimportant nonsense that has no baring to the fucking road. And I would get no greater pleasure than watching that idiot's head smack against the wheel and then watch their car plummet into a tree at 80mph. I would piss my pants with glee and delight knowing that by sacrificing that person who didn't deserve to live anyway, I had prevented one traffic jam waiting to happen. And after this happened...I would expect nothing less than the entire roadway stopping their cars and bowing to me as their new highway god. This would cause a traffic jam as well so the only excuse would be to blow my head off as well. This should be the new law of the road. NO LAW. Kill everyone who slows the roads and the flow of traffic and people. People are made to move...NOT SIT STILL. By these people creating miles and miles of delay they defy the human right to move and exist. They should be killed and disposed of like anything else without a purpose. This goes for me as well. If any of you ever see me driving and I succumb to this retardation...PLEASE!!! PULL OUT A GUN AND SHOOT ME RIGHT IN THE FUCKING HEAD BECAUSE RIGHT THEN AND THERE I HAVE FAILED AS A HUMAN AND I SHOULD BE TREATED LIKE EVERY OTHER PICE OF TRASH ON THIS PLANET. After reading this essay, please do not think that I hate the world. It is the exact opposite. I love this planet and all of it's beauties but I just despise the scum that smothers its radiance, for everything bad that has ever happened on this planet has been caused by this disease. I'm sure you know what disease I am talking about. The only cure for this plague is total annihilation. When this planet stands still, and is free from the tyranny of humanity, it is then that paradise will be found. But until then, I will remain at the end of of every traffic jam screaming and cursing wishing I was brave enough to pull out an automatic weapon and pump blistering hot lead into every person who does not have the mind capacity to drive their vehicle using common sense that they lack.

the opiate of the masses

2008-12-07T07:32:11Z

I hate ignorance. I hate stupidity. I hate dependence. I hate naivity. I hate religion. I hate your "God". I hate your weak mind.

I am sick an tired of the crutch and the people who cling to it. People have called me ignorant, people very close to me actually and I beg to differ with them. I have been on both sides of the fence. I made all of my sacrements for the Catholic Church...FUCK!!! I was even an altar boy. But I see now. My eyes are open.

But do what you want...call me ignorant, call me a fool, call me a blasphemer, call me a heretic, call me an intolerable fuck...but I am awake and I see the world for what it is.

If there was a God, I would pray every night for the patience and tolerance for the lies that humans have spread to those who are eager to listen. But until God gets my cell number, I'm gonna go pray to Harry Potter and Frodo Baggins.

My eyes are wide open.

My favorite word in the O.E.D.

2008-11-30T16:32:12Z

A teacher from high school asked us to all enter in this contest to win an entire O.E.D. What is supposed to happen is that all of the kids that she asked to enter in this competition have to write what their favorite word is and why. And if one of us wins, we will get an O.E.D. and then we could give it to her. So, here is my essay and my word. Enjoy.

Sadly, I would have to say that my favorite word is the word "disappointment". We all know what this means by experience because at one time or another, unless you were a perfect child, hand crafted in a lab, we were exposed to our parents "disappointment" in us. When parents dropped this nuke on us, it was always so much more devastating than being yelled at or smacked. It meant that they had expected better of you and that you had failed them in a weird military kind of way. Since I have pretty awesome parents, I was fortunate of having a sense of understanding on my side whenever I did anything stupid or ridiculous. But there were times when I was dumb enough to have earned the scolding and words that followed..."We are so disappointed in you". Wow, talk about complete and total devastation. Whenever your parents whipped that one out of th bunker on, you were guaranteed to be wounded for quite a while.

Now that was just my introduction, I feel that this word embodies a total idea and presence, a mindset of you wish. Once you are exposed to this feeling first hand, it scars you forever. You are branded and left with knowing how to be "disappointed" and let down bythe things you can count on the most. It just happens. People are flawed and so is life.

The word disappointment just labels that feeling of surprise, shock, and regretfully, even disgust when something that you invested a lot of faith in, just collapses in front of you. I think that because I was exposed to this bomb of a word, that it left me with the ability to be disappointed more easily. Why you may ask is this possible? Well, I failed my parents at one point or another, not in a major way but I did and once you fail, you know how to fail and you become a rocket scientist at knowing and labeling failure around you. Maybe I am just a pessimist and sometimes even a misanthropist but since I was little, my disappointment is with me all of the time. Sometimes I'll be disappointed in people. I will be upset and bothered with the decisions and actions they make. I'll think to myself...AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO BE INTELLIGENT BEINGS?!?! But yet, our government and peers can fail us by losing 700 billion dollars, increasing the parkway tolls, drinking and driving, polluting our planet to the point that we are all going to be dead very soon, and of course, being unable to merge your cars from two lanes to one causing miles and miles of traffic jams. All of these things, some being minor and some being very big are all things that can be labelled as disappointing and just down right pathetic and sad.

So since this is becoming too lengthy, I'll just leave you with a list of 10 random things that I am disappointed with in my life. And just remember that I chose this word because it embodies an entire destruction of faith and loyalty. The word and feeling of "Disappointment" just reminds me of a nuclear bomb; it destroys it's target mentally and then once used, it just scars everything exposed to it. A person with a great deal of exposure to disappointment is left with a higher standard of expectations for everything in this or her life. I just find it fascinating that one word can sum all of that up. And I'm sure that I missed a great deal of what I meant to say. So here's my list.

1. I was disappointed when I realized that I had lost faith in God and all possibilities of a God existing
2. I was disappointed and even devastated when I realized that Santa did not really break into my house every Christmas through my chimeny to give me a bunch of presents that I had demanded, even when I hadI never met him.
3. I was disappointed when I watched my brother play lacrosse in high school and realized that I was too much of a coward to ever get involved with sports while I was in high school.
4. I was disappointed with the terrible final movie of "The Pirates of the Carribean". Did they honestly think that that was a good movie when making it?
5. I am still disappointed with peoples' inability to drive and follow the rules.
6. I was disappointed when I realized that some people don't believe in evolution. This is pretty pompous but as I said, mass amounts of exposure to this word will make you an arrogant and spiteful person.
7. I was disappointed in my inability to not have a college career without the presence of alcohol.
8. I am disappointed that I dislike people sometimes without even conversing with them.
9. I am disappointed that I couldn't tell you that "disappointment" was my favorite word without writing a novel about it.
10.I am disappointed that my favorite word in the entire Oxford English Dictionary is the word "disappointment"

Sorry for being such a downer with this and sorry for taking so long.

IF SHE DOESNT WIN AFTER THAT...I WILL BE SHOCKED.

A View from Nihil...

2008-11-25T19:50:18Z

Today I was driving home and on route 9 I saw some fucking idiot driving like a moron. He was cutting in and out of people and he even ran a red light. Right then...right then and there I wanted to see an 18 wheeler cut across the intersection and fucking smash that rat fuck. Everyday I get more sick. I am disgusted by what we have blossomed into. That man...that one man happened to ruin my day. I wanted him to get hit just so I could walk over to his mangled car and laugh in his bleeding and coughing face. Then I'd probably choke every gasp of air out of his diseased body. Ugh. My parents did not raise me this way. Then why the fuck do I hate everything about this race of filth. There are times that I'm sitting in traffic jams and I know it's because we are too stupid to merge two lanes together on a busy parkway highway. It's during those times that I just wish to see a fucking nuclear explosion go off right in front of me and wipe out everyone on the entire fucking highway. Give me a disaster. Something to lower this clogged up toilet hole. Sadly that is what this world has become. I just want to be left alone with the people that ARE worthy of my time and feelings. Everyone else is just scum. I don't really care who the fuck they are. And do it!!! Call me a heartless fuck...I don't care. If you saw this pile of shit through my eyes, I think things would be a little clearer for you as well. But of course nothin ever drastic happens. I can't wait til I'm old enough and I can move out of New Jersey. It is seriously the next fucking Sodom...and FUCK...I don't even believe in Sodom and that whole crock of shit bull shit story. I want to immolate this entire planet back to the flames of the stars from which it was birthed. I just want silence. And nobody around me for thousands of miles. We're all fucking ignorant blind cows. Just walking stright into the slaughter house. And for the first time in a long time...I am apathetic about helping people. Show people one thing and they soil it. Thy soiled this earth and everything about it. Humanity is not a disease. It's a fucking mistake. And I am becoming comfortable at realizing that every other day I live through, I become closer to total misanthropic bliss.

I feel like vomiting.

choke_onlies @ 2008-11-09T22:02:00

2008-11-10T06:12:31Z

I'm back from vacation and it was great...if you want to hear about it, ask me cuz I'm not in the mood to write a novel. For the first time in a while, I am inspired to write.

I have seen the birthing of dreams
And the forming of light
I watch mountains fall
And oceans rage
I have seen angels weap
And demons laugh
I saw the children starve
And the rich feast
I saw your memories fade
And my reflection glow
I have not given up
And you are dying out
I watched her run and run
And the troubles still followed
I am witnessing the end
And the beginning
I fear for new life
And still try to hold on to it
I know you suffer
And I have as well
I know life is hard
And that it will end
But after all of these things
I hold my dreams close
And my memories even closer

I didn't think I'd like that as much as I do.

I WAS PRESSURED INTO UPDATING THIS MOTHER FUCKER.

2008-10-29T01:04:46Z

This week is sucking big time. I'm going to be in Bonaire in less than a week and I will be scuba diving every second of it. I'm excited but the trip there is sucking big time. I have a lot of work to do this week and at the end, right before I go...Josh and I will be going into the city to see WHITECHAPEL, THE ACACIA STRAIN, UNEARTH, PROTEST THE HERO, and others. It's going to be a most excellent show. I'm just not enjoying the work for school I have to do and the planning of my schedual for next semester or the planning on how to get into the city. But in less than a week...I will be having the time of my life with my family.

I don't think I could make it through all this shit though if it weren't for someone. Her smile really is all I think about. My day becomes so much brighter when I get my first text message from her. And we'll text all day and the worst of days will wind up going by so fast. I wind up wanting to go home and seclude myself with her and just spending every second with her. We can talk about nothing and we can talk about everything. She is amazing and for the first time in my life, I feel whole.

I've been really pissed off lately, everything has just been making me fucking mad...so her we go.

2008-10-05T06:30:09Z

To sit on the top of a mountain
And see the world be nothing
Desolate
Is only a dream
To see the smoke of cities
Make day night
And the flames of civilization
Lighten the dark night
The silence would be equal
To a private choir of all in heaven
But men can only dream
I still have those
Men can only dream of that paradise
I can barely close my eyes in this world of shit
Where the volume is always at ten
And the air is pure filth
I breath in the stench of waste
And hear the the screaches of the unworthy
As they keep talking and talking
And talking
And talking
And talking
The noise is so unbearable
That I find myself
Yearning to take my fist
And turn every face into a hole
A bottomless pit of quiet
So I can finally fucking sleep
They're always yelling
And always whispering
Never silent
Never tranquil
That breath before the first sound
Is like the bell on the time bomb
The final "tick" right before the blast
But next time, it will be me
They speak
They trigger
I explode
Silence
Pure golden silence
Maybe then I will sleep
Maybe then I will rest
And my dreams
Will not have to be filled
With the echoes
Of silence

*I feel better now.